a bunch of bones.

My body is just a bunch of bones waiting to bust apart. I woke up this morning feeling like I fell down a stairway. I think my jaw is about to break off its hinges. I should have seen that orthodontist two years ago who made a bunch of threatening prophecies about my fate if I didn't get braces. I took out massive loans to fix my mouth, but they ended up covering music school expenses. Now I can barely chew. I can't even close my mouth. This is much worse than anything that orthodontist wished upon me. And I'll even end up with rubberbands in my mouth, just like I almost did. And I'll hate eating; I'm thin enough as it is. My whole body has been falling apart. My leg issues were almost this serious. And then I went to The Foot Clinic (that place on Sunset Blvd with the sick foot on crutches on one side of the sign and a happy foot with a big smile on the other) and didn't even need to see the doctor—the secretary told me to stop wearing flipflops. And now I don't limp anymore. What will go next? My vision? So much for living to be a hundred. If this jaw thing happened to me in the wild, I'd be dead in a week or two.

I'm so energetic about returning to Albuquerque, I'm almost disillusioned by the one-way ticket I bought. Los Angeles probably isn't exactly what you think it is. But then again, it still will become more like its facade when all those celeb-obsessed people come here looking for it (each other). That is how places become themselves/themed, I think. 60% of Amsterdam isn't Dutch, and much of the Dutch are the most conservative people there. Why would anyone want to live near the generator of mass-media culture? Then again, why not? On a completely superficial level, I feel like I should be living in San Francisco or Portland. The fog or rain would fit me nicely. Although I think it's rare when the physical landscape influences a culture anymore. I can't deny the way the sun afflicts my life here though. Imagine having the lights on constantly. Los Angeles never sounded good to me in theory.

Well, in practice, I don't like those theorists, but I like many elements of the reality. The many cultures (Wikipedia says, "Los Angeles hosts the largest populations of Armenians, Bulgarians, Ethiopians, Filipinos, Guatemalans, Salvadorans, Nicaraguans, Hungarians, Koreans, Mexicans, Pacific Islanders such as Samoans, Russians and Thais in the country, and in the world outside of their respective countries. Los Angeles is also home to the largest populations of Japanese and Persians living in the United States, and has one of the largest Native American populations in the country. Los Angeles experienced minor waves of European immigration in the late 1800s and early 1900s and the city has sizeable populations of German, Greek, Irish, Italian, Polish, Serb and Ukrainian descent.") means the best food. My stomach has never been bored. LA is uniquely completely uncentered, so if you like to play the game of urban explorer, there are some really fascinating parts of this vast town that rarely are seen by most of its inhabitants. And Hollywood? Soon I will be just down the street from it. Perhaps it's more interesting living somewhere with ideals you're not attracted to. Like having ugly friends. Like PeaceCorps. In all my time in this city, I've never indulged in popular films. It's just hard to date when almost everyone who shows interest in you wants to be an actor. Thankfully, Hollywood is very different on the tv than in person. Who knew it was so sketchy? I like sketchy.

I'm being nostalgic lately. I miss different kinds of suffering. One of my New Year's resolutions is to avoid nostalgizing. Another is to stop desiring a committed relationship. From now on, I'm a swinger with romantic fantasies. Marriage? If the gays taught us anything in this world, it's that we don't need it.